Good evening, everyone! My name is Wyatt Earp, and - like Fantasy Island's Mr. Rourke - I will be your host for the next hour. So, sit back, have a Fresca, and prepare for another Jack-tastic episode of our favorite program. I'm all Jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!
7:00pm - VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. God, I love hearing that! Where do I get one of those blue CTU windbreakers? I'm sorry; did Silver Spoons just verbally beyotch-slap Jack? DEATH BY HANGING!!!
7:04pm - Boris the Blade is a panicky little Russkie, isn't he? I heard less bitching during Hillary Clinton's announcement speech. And I hate to sound blasphemous, but that drone launch looked a tad cheesy.
7:07pm - Milo looks like he needs a visit from Sexual Harassment Panda. Nadia may not smile at work, but does she smile in the boudoir? How funny is it that Chloe becomes the female c**k-blocker even after she's getting some on a regular basis?
7:09pm - General Charlton Heston has everything under control. Uh, never mind. This stealth nuclear drone is proudly brought to you by McDonnell Douglas.
7:10pm - Commercial break. AND THE COMMERCIALS ARE LOUD!!! While we're on a break, may I suggest you vote in this week's Miss Blogs4Bauer Contest? Nadia is cleaning up, so Dina could use a pity vote. And speaking of pity, feel free to stop by B4B contributor RFTR's blog as well. Don't cost nothin'.
7:15pm - Hey, Marilyn is back. Maybe now is the time to tell Jack that he is Josh's father? Of course, the pull-away makes me think Jack is not very Jack-like as of late . . .
7:17pm - YES! YES!! YES!!! AUDREY IS DEAD!!! DING DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD! WHICH OLD WITCH? THE WICKED WITCH!!! SO LONG, PENIS-NOSE!!!
I'm sorry. I'm having a moment here. I couldn't stand that broad.
7:20pm - Oh goodie, Karen Hayes is back. 24 fans, I give you the heir to Audrey Raines' annoying throne. Can't stand her, either. Curly Bill is about to turn Karen Hayes' forehead into a canoe. I can't wait . . . We're nuking the A-rabs; now what's for lunch?
7:24pm - Commercial break. Let's all do the Safety Dance! Audrey Raines is dead! Does anyone watch the Fox series Bones? It looks REALLY insipid. Yes, insipid. It's a word: look it up! Oh, and Captain Den rules!!! (There, Den, you owe me a cheesesteak.)
7:28pm - Swell. Now Chloe has a Budweiser after-taste. Is anyone getting sick and tired of the Tom and Karen foreplay? It's like watching Hannity and Colmes.
7:30pm - Okay, who called the mole? I gotta admit, I'm getting sick of moles every season as well. CTU has more moles than Cindy Crawford. And while I'm venting, where the hell is Jack? His screen time has been way down the last three weeks. Weak.
7:33pm - Nadia is obviously NOT the mole. They never get it right the first time. In an unrelated matter, here's a picture of Kim Bauer!
7:35pm - Commercial break. Talk about Kim Bauer amongst yourselves. Then discuss how we feel about San Francisco's annihilation. Personally, I don't feel too bad about it . . . but I've been told I am a cynical person.
7:39pm - Karen is going to heal Wayne Palmer. She's going to use her Hippie Force powers. And now she wants to revive Palmer while he's trying to recuperate? They did that already when they tried to revive Roseanne's daughter when militants bombed CTU (Season 2), remember?
7:41pm - Torture time. Does Silver Spoons' torture count on our Kill Counter? See, if Milo said "I believe you, honey" he wouldn't be sleeping alone with his sling for the next few weeks. Idiot.
7:43pm - Who else cheered when they saw Audrey's crime scene photos? It's okay, you can raise your hands. And, lookee, lookee, Jack is back. Remember Jack Bauer . . . THE HERO OF THIS SHOW??? No one wants to watch little Ricky play Jack Bauer. No one.
Of course, a saving grace of Audrey's death is the possibility of seeing Jack hunt down the killers like a dog . . .
7:46pm - Commercial break. Sit back and be force-fed lame Fox show trailers. Or better yet, watch a Florida Tourism commercial. Isn't that the state too dumb to pop out a chad?
7:51pm - Who is this Muslim guy? Oh yeah, it's Fayed, we just haven't seen him in quite some time.
POP! Update that Kill Counter, kids! And POP! again . . . and again. Looks like Jack better bone up on his RPG maneuvers. Thank God he spent his prison time playing Medal of Honor.
Jack, can you land the drone at Cindy Sheehan's house? Okay, how did the bomb NOT detonate? LAME! We almost lost San Francisco. DAMNIT!
7:57pm - The missiles launch in ten minutes . . . Someone notify Marko Ramius. We have a job for him. It involves driving one of our Ohios somewhere near the Persian Gulf.
8:00pm -Next week's episode looks good. Good, but not great, since Uner-bitch Sandra Palmer returns. We'll see.
Thanks, gang! It's been great! I'm out, enjoy The Ramones!